Aphrodite's Brew and Real Doctoring!

Since my last post, my whole world and life has gone from clear-cut to the greyest of greys, from sunny and bright, to scintillating rainbows and starry magic, from feeling whole and waiting, to feeling completely complete with total awareness of how shattered and broken we all remain, despite being wholer than we ever were before. Love. That old transformative cliché. But it's real. It exists. I was a fool to ever doubt it. And now I am blessed with its beautiful, wonderous abundance.

But everything changes. Lots of lovely changes -of course these go without saying. Then there are the others. The adjustments that need to be made in both your external and internal realities. All those previous world views, opinions, beliefs -the strong, the steadfast, the rigid... the ones you managed to bend for others, so that for them, you could be less judgmental, more understanding and compassionate, but that you actually never allowed for yourself, you who is just as deserving of such generosity and openness of heart and mind and soul... all of those harsh internalized social norms... they all just become like alphabet soup. Letters with distinct shapes and forms swimming in this lovely red, amorphous, all-encompassing, steaming hot broth that warms the body and comforts the spirit, and makes the sick well. Meanwhile, as the noodle-letters sit in there, they turn a bit mushy, and suddenly you can't tell "A" from "D" from "O" and you wonder if it's even worth trying to make words. Like, so what do we do? The alphabet is a critical component for this soup -it's what satisfies the hunger, gives us that boost of energy to actually get things done, be productive, useful. But it's 'alphabet soup' not just 'alphabet'. So I need to reorganize.

See normally, what happens when we construct our personal belief- and value-systems? We take a bunch of stuff for granted and we end up coupling different ideas together, assuming that 'duh' these go together. So for example, if you're acting like "A", then you must be feeling "Y" about yourself and "Y" is unacceptable, so just don't do "A". But then you learn that the behaviour "A" can also stand alone. It is it's own thing, in itself, and must not necessarily be accompanied by "Y" or "X" or "K" for that matter. And in fact the reality is that "Y" is always unacceptable and anything done while feeling "Y" will be made perverse and gruesome. But that actually has nothing to do with "A", intrinsically.

But anyway, happy 2010 people. We officially began "Introduction to Clinical Medicine" (ICM) in January, basically beginning with 3 weeks of learning how to do a full physical exam, practicing on each other and on patients in the hospitals, taking an intro to Evidence-Based Medicine (EBM) course, along with medical ethics and law, opthalmology lectures, first aid training, etc... so cool to finally be looking into each other's ears and eyes and mouths and noses, feeling lymph nodes, listening to hearts and lungs and bowel sounds, knowing how to test for potential torn rotator cuffs, carpal tunnel syndrome, torn ACLs... you know, like real doctors. Also yesterday I learned that I officially passed BOM (basically, I deserve to be here in this next quarter of my medical education). So things are moving along the way they do. Hectic. So hectic. But good. I really feel completely inside my life. And I do love it, even though sometimes at this depth, some pretty strong currents will try to catch you and suck you down. I'm discerning though and a good swimmer though, so there's no reason why this experience should not be, not only survivable, but fully rewarding and enjoyable. Plus, I've got the silky soft, intoxicatingly fragrant rose petals of love to buoy me up.

Post-BOM days...

So I am not only bathing in rose petals but drinking rose water these days... it's intoxicating, delicious -wonderful (I am not literally bathing or drinking in these ethereal creatures, don't worry -I may be a little crazy, but I haven't lost it completely!). Life is good.

Post-BOM (Basis of Medicine) life is great. I am in Vancouver, chillin' out with my sister before spending more time with the family. It is good -restful, and I can be supportive where I'm needed, and I can go into my little cocoon or cave or whatever and rejuvenate my body and mind however they need. I have goosebumps from head to toe. Because it's freezing here every time I leave the bedroom (there is no concept of central heating on the West Coast -despite the snow and cold weather that they have been getting for the last 10 years, they are still in denial about the true nature of their winters...) -I have to debate whether or not the joys and benefits of a shower actually outweigh the cost of freezing entirely upon exit from the tub and exacerbating the whatever minor infection that I'm fighting.

I've been working on planning out my holidays -which friends to visit when and where, what I'll be doing in New York, is it possible to change my Amtrak ticket to leave a day sooner, etc, etc... I realized this morning that I would really love to go to Cafe Ceramique when I get back home, and also I want to work on a new short story, and practice the piano a bit and... read... and do those things that bring me so much joy. But right now I feel exhausted and tend to have a headache most of the day, which prevents me from doing little else than napping. And it's not like I nap and then I'm full of energy. I nap and it's hard as hell to get out of bed. What is wrong with me. Am I really that exhausted from the last BOM stretch?

Anyways, time to return to the revelry of my daydreams... maybe drink some ginger and honey tea and... take a little nap.

Bathing in Rose Petals and Anticipating the Holidays!

I know my posts have been strangely infrequent of late. A lot has been going on and not exactly the kind of thing one expresses through this medium. But well. I love writing for you too, so what shall we talk about today?

I wonder if there's actually somewhere in the world where people can bathe in rose petals. Wouldn't that be a whole other-worldly experience? This image keeps coming to me and it would be cool if it existed in real life. A whole big fragrant basin of red and pink silky softness floating over the dark world below. No? It's just me?

Studying goes along. Lots of cancer out there. Simultaneously bleak and hopeful I suppose. Also, I'm convinced that we're all a little psychotic once in a while. And prenatal genetics screening really does seem mainly like another way to worry prospective parents, despite having the intention of 'educating / informing, preparing, etc...' Oh and the elusive epidemiology. Everyday I think I've got it. Then I go back to it the next day and find something that I wasn't quite as clear about as I thought I was. YouTube videos are helpful in this regard "if p is low, null must go"...

I'm ready for my break though. Vancouver with family will be lovely, followed by New York with friends. I was looking at what's on Broadway and in Lincoln Center these days... so much, so exciting! Rush tickets = best invention of life. Definitely have to see something at least one night that I'm there (although I remember with fondness that very first trip ever to New York City when I was 18 and we saw 2 in 4 nights... if it was possible, I would go everyday!)... like right now in NYC, Jude Law is starring in "Hamlet" (and apparently rush tickets for that is just $30), John Stamos in "Bye Bye Birdie"... would love to go see "South Pacific" at Lincoln Center (Rogers & Hammerstein... sigh) but that's a bit on the expensive side... anyway, anything new that I haven't already seen would be wonderful.

Also I'm already dreaming of those cookies at Levain Bakery... anyway, of course the best part will be seeing all those friends I haven't seen for the last year and half since graduation! And of course, watching lots of movies and sleeping a lot, reading for pleasure, getting some stuff done before school starts...

Well, better get back to studying (and I will probably try my hands again at the piano for my next study break... you wouldn't know I played for 15 years at the frequency of once per year that I have been playing since I quit... I really should keep that up better...)

hugs and kisses--

In the eye of the tornado

There is so much -so much to do, so much on which to catch up... feels like I'm in a wormhole getting swept to some destination and I'm just being carried to wherever it is. The control-freak in me is not a fan. But well, sometimes that side needs to just shut up and take one for the team. The team refers to the rest of me. And the team has a lot of things with which it is dealing, so hopefully a little faith will carry me through unharmed. The last couple of days have been rather zone-y for me... I've had no sense of time or space or imminence, even as I pull late nights to successfully meet my deadlines. I'm just kind of in an infinite swirl. And there is beauty and love and kindness and connection, and communion with my real self. I feel antsy and anxious one moment, and in a dynamic serenity the next; I have little appetite and little sleep... I'm so restless. Is that an existential restlessness, like knowing something big is going to happen to you or to the world, but having to wait for it even though part of you is impatiently shouting "the big thing is going to happen"... except you're not sure what that "big thing" is. Have you ever had that before?

I would like to just curl up with some hot cocoa on a couch, freeze time, and watch old Audrey Hepburn movies... just let it soothe and quiet away all the restlessness. But part of the restlessness is magical -the energetic waves, the sudden goosebumps from head to toe, the inner stillness and the inner storm. Where am I? What am I? What is all this? It's asking, it's wondering, sometimes pleading, sometimes rejoicing that the questions come so loud and clear and fierce. It's very Dagny Taggart. It's a passion that roars, but is struggling to understand itself. What is this feeling that I'm feeling?

To Feel Like a Million Bucks...

Feel our mortality. We are simultaneously living and dying everyday. If you're smart you know it, but how many of us make an effort to feel it at least once a day? Recent events in my life have brought me once again in close quarters with how fragile yet strong, how small yet meaningful our existence on this Earth actually is. For days, I could not fully immerse myself in the mundane of the routine -I mean, I've been getting done what I need to get done, but my thoughts are elsewhere. I walk around humming the shahada and various other prayers... so much of so much feels unimportant. And then I realized that certain special blessings are already stacked in my favour so might as well be pro-active about the things that are actually important to me in life -a real kind of 'co-creation' of dream-manifestation, a partnership between souls of this world and of the next... I wanted to resist the cliche, but wanting to be absolutely clear here: "God helps those who help themselves".

And so I woke up today to a beautiful, crisp sunny day in Montreal. I felt restless but full of life and beauty. And I went for my second patient interview 'practicum'... an elderly patient with a fungal infection in the lungs, secondary to HIV. Today, though, I felt like I did something useful for her, beyond 'listening to her story' (really, though, medically-speaking... med students are far from "Dr"... being a Doc is like being pregnant, you either are one or you're not one, you're never "half-Dr"). My community service internship last year volunteering with Project Genesis for social rights education and advocacy in the poor and immigrant communities in Montreal actually came in handy today. You know, doctors take pretty good histories, I guess, most of the time. But it wasn't in her chart that there was mold in her apartment and that the landlord refused to do anything about it (most likely against the law, actually)... that doesn't exactly help an immune-compromised patient! At least, I could tell her about PG and where it was, what they do, how they could help her... also finding out that she's religious but hasn't been able to practice since she's been in this country because she didn't know where the particular house of worship for her denomination was, I was at least able to suggest that someone find out and let her know / told her to ask someone providing her care if they knew / get social services involved in finding out...

So, you know, I'm not curing cancer yet or anything. But today I felt like I did something meaningful for this patient. And if today should be my last day on this Earth, I have no regrets. I'm doing my best at what I do, I make time for the people and things I love, I regularly tell the people I love that I love them (I love you!), I felt God / the infinite energy of the Universe in everything today (this is a blessing, it doesn't happen all the time... I mean, of course God is in everything all the time, but to feel it is a completely different thing!), and I have been taking some initiative in at least increasing the odds that some of my deepest desires can be fulfilled. What more can a person ask for? Productivity. Better get back to it!

A Prayer for Grandma

Dear God,

Please look after her -we love her so much. With every salty drop that blurs the world we see, bless her, lift her up and cradle her in the vast expanse of love that is your arms. And let there be music, laughter, song, joy in that place where you take her, whether it ends up being a few more moments back here or in the next. But wherever it is, everday a sunny day, every breath a happy one, no pain or suffering, just peace and light. And love. Lots of it. All around and everywhere. Her life's loves to greet her, and a Universe big enough for all the love in her heart (this one is too small). And let her hum with a twinkle in her eye and run free along the banks of the Great River, to rest only for deliciousness and delight. We love her so much, but not as much as you do. So please, look after her.

Thank you.

I have found the Holy Grail.

Well, I guess technically, I was referred to the Holy Grail -and I actually had my first sip yesterday with Elizabeth Gilbert, but these Ted Talks are seriously the shiiiiiiiiiz. I just finished watching Jill Bolte Taylor's "Stroke of Insight" -amazing. Really. It's 20 minutes of your life well-spent:

http://www.ted.com/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html

Back to ANS drugs... studying them, not taking them (take a chill ;)