In the eye of the tornado

There is so much -so much to do, so much on which to catch up... feels like I'm in a wormhole getting swept to some destination and I'm just being carried to wherever it is. The control-freak in me is not a fan. But well, sometimes that side needs to just shut up and take one for the team. The team refers to the rest of me. And the team has a lot of things with which it is dealing, so hopefully a little faith will carry me through unharmed. The last couple of days have been rather zone-y for me... I've had no sense of time or space or imminence, even as I pull late nights to successfully meet my deadlines. I'm just kind of in an infinite swirl. And there is beauty and love and kindness and connection, and communion with my real self. I feel antsy and anxious one moment, and in a dynamic serenity the next; I have little appetite and little sleep... I'm so restless. Is that an existential restlessness, like knowing something big is going to happen to you or to the world, but having to wait for it even though part of you is impatiently shouting "the big thing is going to happen"... except you're not sure what that "big thing" is. Have you ever had that before?

I would like to just curl up with some hot cocoa on a couch, freeze time, and watch old Audrey Hepburn movies... just let it soothe and quiet away all the restlessness. But part of the restlessness is magical -the energetic waves, the sudden goosebumps from head to toe, the inner stillness and the inner storm. Where am I? What am I? What is all this? It's asking, it's wondering, sometimes pleading, sometimes rejoicing that the questions come so loud and clear and fierce. It's very Dagny Taggart. It's a passion that roars, but is struggling to understand itself. What is this feeling that I'm feeling?

To Feel Like a Million Bucks...

Feel our mortality. We are simultaneously living and dying everyday. If you're smart you know it, but how many of us make an effort to feel it at least once a day? Recent events in my life have brought me once again in close quarters with how fragile yet strong, how small yet meaningful our existence on this Earth actually is. For days, I could not fully immerse myself in the mundane of the routine -I mean, I've been getting done what I need to get done, but my thoughts are elsewhere. I walk around humming the shahada and various other prayers... so much of so much feels unimportant. And then I realized that certain special blessings are already stacked in my favour so might as well be pro-active about the things that are actually important to me in life -a real kind of 'co-creation' of dream-manifestation, a partnership between souls of this world and of the next... I wanted to resist the cliche, but wanting to be absolutely clear here: "God helps those who help themselves".

And so I woke up today to a beautiful, crisp sunny day in Montreal. I felt restless but full of life and beauty. And I went for my second patient interview 'practicum'... an elderly patient with a fungal infection in the lungs, secondary to HIV. Today, though, I felt like I did something useful for her, beyond 'listening to her story' (really, though, medically-speaking... med students are far from "Dr"... being a Doc is like being pregnant, you either are one or you're not one, you're never "half-Dr"). My community service internship last year volunteering with Project Genesis for social rights education and advocacy in the poor and immigrant communities in Montreal actually came in handy today. You know, doctors take pretty good histories, I guess, most of the time. But it wasn't in her chart that there was mold in her apartment and that the landlord refused to do anything about it (most likely against the law, actually)... that doesn't exactly help an immune-compromised patient! At least, I could tell her about PG and where it was, what they do, how they could help her... also finding out that she's religious but hasn't been able to practice since she's been in this country because she didn't know where the particular house of worship for her denomination was, I was at least able to suggest that someone find out and let her know / told her to ask someone providing her care if they knew / get social services involved in finding out...

So, you know, I'm not curing cancer yet or anything. But today I felt like I did something meaningful for this patient. And if today should be my last day on this Earth, I have no regrets. I'm doing my best at what I do, I make time for the people and things I love, I regularly tell the people I love that I love them (I love you!), I felt God / the infinite energy of the Universe in everything today (this is a blessing, it doesn't happen all the time... I mean, of course God is in everything all the time, but to feel it is a completely different thing!), and I have been taking some initiative in at least increasing the odds that some of my deepest desires can be fulfilled. What more can a person ask for? Productivity. Better get back to it!