Indulgence and Romance on the eve of 26

Really, the sexiest, most fabulous relationship you could ever have in this world is the love affair you have with yourself. It takes a lot of work -a lifetime's worth, sometimes more. And it blows hot and cold. And you sometimes never want to see your face again. But those rare at times, frequent at other times, moments where you're in rapture with yourself, with your life, with your body, your scent, your mind and your heart, those are the beautiful, blessed moments of human existence.

And so on the eve of 26 years in the life of me, I took myself out for a very romantic, very indulgent dinner at Table 17 (yes, I am presently in Toronto). I started with a rosé wine of plums, rose petals, violets and orange rind. Some fresh bread with olive oil. Then came the beet salad with hazlenuts and arugula. I had steak-frites, with chimichuri sauce for my medium-rare sirloin (okay, in all honesty, they over-cooked it a little, and I prefer filet mignon to top sirloin... we probably get better in Montreal, easily, but it was still pretty good), and homemade-tasting mayonnaise for my divinely perfect french fries. For dessert, I had a sticky toffee pudding with Barchard Orchard apple butter -soft, warm, spongy comfort. It was fantastic -I relished every moment of that romantic 75 minutes of culinary pleasure. Yes, I would prefer to be blind, mute and deaf than lose my sense of taste (okay, maybe not blind because then I couldn't write... and I do love the Simon & Garfunkel playing nostalgically now in the background of these scrumptious thoughts...).

I must admit, that this last barely 2.5 weeks, I have been surprisingly impressed by my Toronto experience. Yes, we Montrealers who pride ourselves, snobbishly, on hating Toronto... but let's face it, over the last 15 years, at least in some ways (read: food and esthetic-quaintness of some parts of town), TO has stepped it up. I have delighted in the following restaurants since I have been here and recommend them all (especially if you're going for broke, but when you're a medical student in debt already, what's a little more debt...):

Spring Rolls (yes it is a chain, but truly fabulous and well-presented dim-sum)
The Wine Bar (tapas-style yumminess... highly recommend the apparently 'famous' fries, scallops and beef ribs)
Kalendar (more impressed by the soup and salad, than the main, but a lot of potential if I avoid chicken next time...)
Bonjour Brioche (buttery decadent breakfast / brunch)
Milestones (yeah, I know, it's a chain that you can find anywhere, but I happened to have such a life-changing cajun shrimp thing that I can't not include this experience on my list!)
Sushi Bar (Queen and Broadview... great food, great price... kamikaze kicks dynamite's bum if you have to choose, and you get a miso soup, beansprout salad and tofu tempura piece included with your sushi, as well as a peach-orange sorbet to finish... so you can actually fill-up pretty well with a "mere" 8 pieces of sushi... or you can pig-out on double... like me ;)
Brassaii (fancy-shmancy supper club... but those scallops and that rabbit risotto were something else, followed by delicious red-velvet birthday cake brought from elsewhere, delicious birthday Veuve Clicquot champagne, dancing and good company)
Saving Grace (cute and tasty breakfast / brunch... banana-walnut buttery pancakes and poached eggs on black rice and shredded turkey sausage with this green chutney, buttery baguette slices, salad and roasted potato; their fresh ginger tea is also pretty yum)
The Canadian Pie Company (this pie will make you want to live on pie -i've tried the swiss chocolate-banana pie, the asperagus quiche and the apple-cranberry-brown sugar pies...), and now
Table 17 (described in great detail above)

I know. Did I come to Toronto for medicine or for food right? Well, I actually came to Toronto to figure out whether or not I could live here one day, since I'm seriously considering moving to this city for residency in a year and a half. The medicine has been great -today I got to see methadone therapy patients, do a couple well-woman exams (yay PAPs!) and I saw a few kids too, administered my first vaccine. And I found a subtle breast lump (a proud discovery, but I hope it ends up being nothing for the patient's sake).

So what's my assessment so far of this place? The food is great. It sucks that there are no coffee shops open 24 hours in this city (let's just face it, Toronto will never be Montreal). People here (or at least, too many people here, though not all people here) are way too obsessed with their image, with designers and money and being flashy, often without any sense of true, genuine big-picture purpose. Don't get me wrong, we all want and like things -that's just part of being human. But it's this obsession that I'm talking about, the lack of perspective and vision and the sense of something bigger and more important than oneself in young professionals. Or at least, my feeling is that there is a dearth of young people with substance here -maybe I just haven't met enough of them.

As a dear old friend said, so aptly, "Toronto tries too hard, whereas Montreal just is". She also quoted a former school-mate of mine who also very aptly described Toronto as "very good on paper -the diversity, arts, culture, sports, food, things to do, places to go. But when you actually meet it, eh, there's no spark."

Personally, I think this is related to that image-obsessed culture, the one-upmanship, the materialism, all those people lost in their short-term wants and needs without a sense of what's most important and true in the long-run (besides everyone being dead)... everyone's trying, trying, rat-racing. But who's just being, and thriving at just being? Maybe they exist and I just haven't met them yet, apart from the doctors I work for, who are truly amazing, wonderful doctors, teachers and people, with a lot of passion for the work they do and that I could not praise enough. I absolutely adore the clinic in which I've been working. Also the hospitals here kick falling-apart Montreal hospitals' bum (but the medicine practiced even in those falling-apart hospitals is pretty awesome, so in terms of quality of training, I have no complaints of my home-city).

So anyway, there are pluses and minuses to every place in this world... just have to weigh what's most important. I remain undecided for now. Perhaps I pass harsh judgment on this city too early. Just to be clear, I am not talking about any one person that I have met while I've been here. I'm talking about the overall "feel" of this city... the shallowness is disenchanting. The medicine is wonderful. The food is pretty awesome. The people (apart from the ones I already know and love, obviously!)... I haven't met enough yet, I think. But you know, it takes time to fall in love sometimes, or even in like. Even with a city, and especially when there's no spark from the outset. It does not mean that attraction is never possible. And I'm still getting to know this one a bit better before I commit.

Taking Stock... with love and gratitude :)

This is one of those life moments that gives one pause for gentle, thoughtful reflection. Falling maddeningly in love with obstetrics & gynecology, craving change, and discovering a beautiful, serene joy and natural "knack" as I begin this Inner City Health family medicine elective in a different city, where life is nicely balanced. What do I want? What is important to me? I have once again had the time to write and to submit my writing for publishing... we'll see where that goes. One day, love will also come knocking on my door and all the blessings that accompany it. Where will I be then in my life? Will I still be the me that I know now?

Sometimes this kind of unknown and uncertainty throws one off-keel. Especially for us control-freaks right. But there is also so much excitement and beauty in all that unknown -it's a realm of infinite possibilities, pure universal potential. Just have to remember your worth, as an eternal, spiritual being, as a physically capable individual, as a philosopher, healer and lover. And trust that everything will work out, I suppose, especially in those areas where we have the most insecurities (and we all have them).

I love where I am now.

Old, reassuring brick inside my bedroom with comforting coffee-coloured tones on the other walls and my bedspread, the sofa chair and this leather window seat, embossed white ceiling tiles from another century, antique-style gilded mirrors, modern Japanese "zen" lamps. I want to live in a place with bedrooms like this. I go to the clinic on the streetcar.

At the clinic, I see patient-types I've never seen before: HIV, transgender issues, highly educated refugees who were victims of torture in their country of origin, young healthy people with their normal, existential concerns whose lives you can still change. I love the variety. But I get so totally, over-the-top excited when I get to do a speculum exam / PAP, or see a newly-pregnant young woman. I would have been ecstatic if the adolescent who just had sex for the first time a couple weeks ago would have let me see her, with all her worries about the consequences, grappling with the emotions, questions about her sexuality and hidden secrets about what that first experience is all about in real life, without all the fake-Hollywood lustre. I was made for that conversation and would have loved the opportunity to take that time to talk with her about it (but not everyone is okay with talking to the medical student so it happens... actually very hard for me to deal with that situation this week; gotta remember that it's not personal).

Oh these girls, these women, these sweet, slowly-dementing old ladies... my heart has a soft spot for all of them... almost universally not well-understood by the people in their lives, under-appreciated, under-loved, frankly. We are complex beings, full of passion, heart, sorrow, grief and joy -and so many are punished for that, and so many more struggle to harness all that. So much for us to learn, us women, yet so many do not have the support for this evolution, so that their strengths may flourish and that they may show to the world the goddesses that they really are. We are all Athena, Lakshmi, Aphrodite, Kali, Aceso, Saraswati... I love my women patients and their babies. But I also loved seeing that gay man with his traumas of not being accepted for what he is in his old country with new-onset psychosis. I am less fond of the alcoholic who does not perceive his drinking as a problem, but even he needs a place to go and be safe and cared for. These are all people that need our support, our compassion, and our applied medical-knowledge.

I love medicine these days. I love going to work and the work that I get to do. Life is pretty good too -good food, good company, catching up with new and old friends. Having the time to want to pray and to pray a bit more mindfully. Enjoying the exhilaration of independence and self-determination. This is what it's all about. I just have to remember that more often... I guess we all do, in our more 'human' moments.

p.s. a good friend sent me this link, and in light of reflections on women and their place in society and this world, i think the following TED talk is apt, with truth and good advice: http://www.ted.com/talks/sheryl_sandberg_why_we_have_too_few_women_leaders.html